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Friends Share the Load

How powerful is friendship? Researchers at the University of Virginia wanted to find out whether friendship influences how we approach the challenges of daily life. In an unusual experiment, researchers stood at the base of a steep hill (a 26 degree incline) on the university campus and asked 34 students as they walked by to help them in an experiment. Some students were by themselves; others were walking in pairs.

Each student was given a backpack filled with weights equal to about 20 percent of their body weight. While the students may have had the impression they were going to have to climb the hill, the researchers simply asked them to estimate how steep the climb would be. 

Notably, students standing alone perceived the hill slant as steeper and thought it would be harder to climb while carrying the weighted pack. But students who were standing next to a friend thought the hill looked easier to climb and gave lower estimates of its steepness. Interestingly, the longer the two friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared. 

Other studies support the notion that social support helps us cope with stress. When female college students were asked to complete challenging math tasks, their heart rates went up. But when they were asked to complete the math problems with a friend in the room, their heart rates were lower. Scientists also know that when rhesus monkeys are moved to a new environment, the level of stress hormones in their blood increases. But when a monkey is moved along with her preferred companion (monkeys form friendships too), the stress hormones measured in her blood were much lower. (Similar results have been seen with rats and guinea pigs.)

All this research suggests that friends can change our view of a challenging situation, and that the mere presence of a friend in the same room can lower our stress. Having friends essentially allows us to outsource some of the emotional burdens of daily life.

Friends With Health Benefits

Most of the research on health and relationships is focused on romantic partners. But researchers have found that our friendships actually have a bigger impact on our health. Here are some of the findings about the health benefits of having friends:

• A 10-year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period than those with fewer friends.
• In 2006, a study of nearly 3,000 nurses with breast cancer found that women without close friends were four times as likely to die from the disease as women with 10 or more friends. Notably, proximity and the amount of contact with a friend wasn’t associated with survival. Just having friends was protective. Having a spouse wasn’t associated with survival.
• In a six-year study of 736 middle-age Swedish men, being attached to a life partner didn’t affect the risk of heart attack and fatal coronary heart disease, but having friendships did. Among risk factors for cardiovascular health, lacking social support was as bad as smoking.

Why are friendships so good for us? Scientists have a few theories.

Logistical support: Friends can run errands and pick up medicine for a sick person, although in most studies, proximity was not a factor in the benefits of friendship.

Association: It may be that people with strong social ties also have better access to health services and care or are more likely to seek help.

Less stress: People with strong friendships are less likely than others to get colds, perhaps because they have lower stress levels.

Positive peer pressure: Researchers have found that certain health behaviors appear to be contagious and that our social networks — in person and online — can influence obesity, anxiety and overall happiness. A recent report found that a person’s exercise routine was strongly influenced by his or her social network.

But it could also work the opposite way, a large 2007 study showed an increase of nearly 60 percent in the risk for obesity among people whose friends gained weight.

Friendships Make Aging Easier

Dan Buettner, a National Geographic fellow and author, has studied the health habits of people who live in regions of the world where people live far longer than the average. He refers to these areas as “blue zones” and found that positive friendships are a common theme in these regions.

In Okinawa, Japan, where the average life expectancy for women is around 90, the oldest in the world, people form a kind of social network called a moai — a group of five friends who offer social, logistic, emotional and even financial support for a lifetime. In a moai, the group benefits when things go well, such as by sharing a bountiful crop, and the group’s families support one another when a child gets sick or someone dies. They also appear to influence one another’s lifelong health behaviors.

Buettner’s team created a quiz to help people assess the positive impact of their own social network. The quiz asks questions about your friends and the state of their health, how much they drink, eat and exercise, as well as their outlook. The goal is not for you to dump your less healthy friends, but to identify the people in your life who score the highest and to spend more time with them.

“I argue that the most powerful thing you can do to add healthy years is to curate your immediate social network,” said Mr. Buettner, who advises people to focus on three to five real-world friends rather than distant Facebook friends. “In general you want friends with whom you can have a meaningful conversation,” he said. “You can call them on a bad day and they will care. Your group of friends are better than any drug or anti-aging supplement, and will do more for you than just about anything.”

Active vs. Passive Friends

Given that we all have limited time and energy, it helps to prioritize a few important friendships that we want to nurture. But we also don’t want to miss out on new friendships that might form from casual encounters. How to decide? Start by thinking of your friends in terms of active relationships or passive connections. Both are important to our overall happiness, but passive friends take less time and attention, giving you more time to prioritize the friends that mean the most to you.

Strengthen your “weak ties.” Our casual social networks are larger than we think — we often have fleeting connections with our neighbors, the barista at the coffee shop or fellow exercisers at the gym. The sociologist Mark Granovetter calls these low-stakes relationships “weak ties.” But the name is slightly misleading. While the ties are not strong, the benefits of these relationships can be great. They provide networking opportunities and make us feel more connected to other social groups. A 2014 study found that the more weak ties a person has, the happier he or she feels. Maintaining this network of acquaintances also contributes to one’s sense of belonging to a community, researchers found.

The good news is that it doesn’t take much effort to cultivate these low-stakes relationships. Often it’s just exchanging pleasantries when you see another regular at the dog park (put your phone down and make eye contact!) or seeking them out for connection on social media. 

Anna Akbari, a sociologist and author who often writes about friendship, describes these “weak ties” as passive friendships — those people you run into at parties, bump into at work and others you like, but don’t quite make the priority list for one-on-one time. Sometimes our close friends fall into the “passive” category over time — we shared a bond with them once, but have less in common today. Don’t mistake passive friends for relationships worthy of your full investment, she advises, “but stay open and alert enough to know when one of these casual acquaintances should be promoted in your friend sphere.” 

Nurture your active friendships. In contrast to our passive friends, our active friendships are those friends with whom we share similar values and a deeper connection — the people for whom “you go out of your way to schedule with, to show up for, to learn from, to make new memories with,” says Dr. Akbari. 

If you’re not sure who makes the cut, Dr. Akbari suggests a few simple questions:

• Whom do I learn from?
• Who challenges me? 
• Whom can I confide in? 
• With whom do I find joy? 

“I want the people I spend time with to reflect back to me something that is admirable or aspirational for me — not financially, but on a human level,” says Dr. Akbari. 

The bottom line is that by identifying our passive “weak” ties and our active “strong” ties, we can do a better job of cultivating budding friendships and allocating most of our friendship energy and time to maintaining our established friendships.

Finding Time for Friends

Often when we think of living a balanced life, we focus on two things: work and family. But a truly balanced life really has five key components: It should also include our romantic lives, self-care (including exercise and hobbies) and our friends. While we may not always give all five areas equal time (a new baby or a work deadline can sometimes shift our life balance), in general, work, family, love, self-care and friends are all equally important. The good news is that friends tend to be less demanding of our time than family members and bosses, so tending to our friendships can take up a lot less time than other demands. Here are some tricks for giving your friendships more time and attention.  

Schedule friend dates. Just as you might schedule a date night or a business meeting, it’s important to build friendship maintenance into your weekly schedule. Friend dates can be squeezed in around morning coffee or lunch so they don’t take time away from children, romantic partners or work deadlines. If your home life will allow it, give yourself a friends’ night out once or twice a month, rotating the friends with whom you spend time. When life gets hectic because of parenting or work demands, your friendships tend to be the first to suffer. But if you schedule friend dates regularly, your friendships will stay strong no matter what challenges are ahead.

A few minutes of friendship goes a long way. I’ve never forgotten an exchange with my friend Julie Mason, now host of the Sirius radio program “The Press Pool,” when we were both new reporters at The Houston Chronicle. I stopped by her desk with a question and noticed she was on deadline. “That’s O.K.,” she said, turning around to show me I had her full attention. “I’ve always got five minutes for a friend.” The moment made such an impression on me that I’ve tried to make it my mantra: “I’ve always got five minutes for a friend.” And I’ve also remembered the importance of body language — turning to give them my full attention (and putting down my phone or work) when I see them. While it’s true that some friends are more high-maintenance than others, in general, our friends are more understanding and less demanding than most people in our lives. Don’t avoid friends because you can’t give them hours of your attention. It takes only a few minutes of listening and care to make a connection and reinforce the bonds of friendship. Take five minutes to call or text, and just tell a friend you are thinking about them.

Consistency matters more than frequency. Creating a tradition — even if it’s infrequent — is one of the best ways to sustain a friendship when life gets busy. My mother-in-law has joined an annual reunion of her college cheerleader squad for the past 60 years. An editor I know has met with a group of grade school friends every New Year’s Eve for the past 40 years. Look at the calendar and start a new annual tradition with your friends (a joint birthday celebration, a National Dog Day dog walk, an adult Halloween treat night or a tax-day cocktail). If you want more frequent time together, check your schedules and think about the potential for a consistent monthly meetup. It doesn’t take much effort to start a tradition. One of my good friends, a teacher and actress, has classes most days, but we discovered that both of our calendars are open on Wednesday mornings. Now we meet about one morning a month at a favorite diner in our neighborhood. 

Exercise with friends. Scheduling exercise with a friend is a great way to stay connected, and it has the added bonus of boosting your physical wellbeing. It can be a weekly walk or a twice-weekly run — whatever works to get the two of you in the same space with time to talk.

Take a class. We have limited time for both our hobbies and our friends, so why not nurture both needs at the same time and bring a friend in on the fun. If you’ve signed up for an art class or a cake-decorating or cooking class, invite your friends to join you. And if you get a similar invitation, just say yes, even if it’s a new hobby you haven’t tried.

Small Gestures Make a Difference

Friends, by definition, typically don’t require the constant attention needed by romantic partners and children. That’s why small gestures that show someone we are thinking about them can go a long way toward nurturing friends who may not always get as much one-on-one time as you'd both prefer. Technology has made it even easier to show friends we care. Here are some suggestions for small gestures for sustaining friendships.

Text a photo. How often do you see something that makes you think of a friend? It takes less than a minute to snap a photo and text it to them.

Bring home treats from travels. When I was traveling in Spain for work last summer, I thought of a friend who would appreciate the many gorgeous cathedrals there. I purchased a rosary and brought it home to her, a small act that I believe was the beginning of a deeper connection we now share.

Share a news article. You’re reading the news anyway. If something strikes your fancy, whether it’s this friendship guide or a moving Modern Love column, share it with a friend via text or email.

Stop by their desk. Don’t let work get in the way of your office friendships. It takes two minutes to drop by a desk and let someone know they are on your mind.

Feed your friends. There is something about a gift of food that makes us feel loved and cared for. A fellow volleyball mom often brought me a cup of soup or chili to evening team practices, knowing I had come straight from work and hadn’t had time for dinner. To this day she remains one of my favorite friends even though our children have grown up. It’s notable that even chimpanzees give gifts of food in exchange for grooming privileges.

Show up for the milestones. When it comes to friendship, big gestures also make a big impression. Traveling to a wedding, showing up at a college graduation or paying respects at a memorial service will send a strong signal that even though you don’t see each other much, you come through when it counts.

Share a song. Choose a song you want to share with a friend. Tell them why you are sharing it — does it make you think of them? Does it explain how you feel? Or does it bring back a great memory? Don’t just listen and forget it. Take time to talk about it. A large body of research shows that music helps foster deeper social connections. A number of studies link music to a boost of oxytocin, which is a neuropeptide associated with an increase in bonding and trust between people. In one study, singing for 30 minutes raised oxytocin levels in both amateur and professional singers. We know that listening to music activates many areas of the brain, including the part that helps us connect with what others are thinking and feeling. Studies show that when parents and young people listen to music together, they have better rapport, less conflict and better emotional health. Sharing your music with another person helps them to get to know you better and vice versa. And if you like each other's music, all the better. Studies show we like people who share our musical preferences. 

Really Listen

Elizabeth Scott, a family therapist and author of the new book “8 Keys to Stress Management,” notes that there are five basic steps to improving your listening skills with a friend in need.

1. Listen to the answers. Often when people say “How are you?” they don’t really listen to the answer. Maintain eye contact with your friend, stay present and show them “you’re interested in what they have to say,” she writes.
2. Repeat what you hear. Ms. Scott notes that when we summarize and repeat thoughts back to someone, they know we are hearing them. “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile” and “You sound like you’re feeling hurt” are two examples of things you might say when your friend is sharing about a difficult conflict.
3. What are you feeling? Don’t know what to say? Ask your friend what they are feeling rather than discussing the details of the situation, writes Ms. Scott.
4. Keep the focus on them. While it’s fine to say you can relate or to share a few details about your own experience, don’t shift the focus of the conversation to your situation and feelings.
5. Brainstorm. Rather than jumping in with advice, guide your friend in a brainstorming session to find solutions. For example, you can ask: What do you want to do about this? How does that make you feel? Do you see any other options?

Reveal Yourself

At the core of every friendship is the concept of self-disclosure, which occurs when one person reveals something personal to another. Self-disclosure is the building block of intimacy and usually leads to the other person revealing something personal as well. If you feel like a friendship lacks a true connection, ask yourself how much you’ve revealed to your friend, and how much he or she has revealed back to you. 

A number of studies show that we form deeper connections when we reveal our opinions and feelings rather than just basic facts about our lives. The behavioral economist Dan Ariely conducted an experiment in which online daters were forced to discuss personally revealing topics, choosing from a list of questions that included “How many romantic partners did you have?” and “How do you feel about abortion?”

The resulting conversations were more lively than when daters picked their own topics, and everyone was happier with the conversation. 

Self-disclosure is the concept behind the now-famous “36 Questions to Fall in Love,” which gained popularity after being featured in a Modern Love column in The New York Times. 

The column was based on a study called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness,” led by Arthur Aron, a scientist at State University of New York at Stony Brook. Dr. Aron was not trying to help people fall in love; instead his goal was to create closeness between two strangers in a laboratory setting for research purposes. Knowing that self-disclosure fosters closeness, they theorized that they could accelerate the process with a 45-minute series of personal questions, each more revealing than the last. They soon learned that their questionnaire had worked better than planned after numerous reports of ongoing closeness between the pairs in the study — including one couple who got married. According to the study, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”

The lesson for all of us is that we form our deepest connections with friends when we are willing to be vulnerable and venture into more personal territory in our conversations. The complete list of the 36 questions includes the following examples that you can use as a guide to get to know your friends through intimate conversation.

• Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
• What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
• If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
• Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
• What do you value most in a friendship?
• Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... ”
• If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

If nothing else, the 36-question quiz is a fun way to get to know someone better, and it could help cement your friendship. But if after the quiz your friendship ventures into love territory, don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Practice Acceptance

Friends aren’t perfect. Sometimes they will disappoint you. Sometimes they will neglect you. But sometimes being a good friend means giving your friend a pass and accepting their flaws. In couples therapy, romantic partners are often reminded of the value of acceptance, and the same theory can apply to friendships. For many of us, acceptance feels like the safest way to navigate the negatives of a friendship.

The main idea behind acceptance therapy is that accepting another person's traits and behaviors often leads to compassion. When romantic partners or friends learn to use compassion in dealing with each other, they tend to become more willing to let go of conflict. The goal of acceptance therapy is that rather than forcing change, partners should start by accepting each other’s differences. This kind of understanding often leads to uncoerced changes that are more lasting and more in tune with each person’s core personality and behaviors. When a person feels accepted and understood by someone they care about, they are more likely to change willingly, often making more changes than requested. Even if no change occurs, acceptance and compassion are likely to bring friends closer.

Rick Hanson, a psychologist and senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, writes in the “Your Wise Brain” column in Psychology Today, that it’s easier to practice acceptance if you think about how good it feels when someone accepts you, warts and all.

Dr. Hanson advises an “acceptance practice” that allows you to identify the things that are bothering you about your friend while also accepting them.

Pick someone special to you and start with a general acceptance, saying out loud or in your mind or writing down the following things:

• I accept you completely. 
• Countless causes, large and small, have led you to think, speak and act the way you do. 
• You are who you are. I let it be. 
• You are a fact, and I accept the facts in my life.
• You and I are part of a larger whole that is what it is, and I accept it, too.

Next, you can add some specifics, saying out loud or writing down the things that are bothering you about the friendship.

• I accept that you find it difficult to make time for me.
• I accept that sometimes you say things that are hurtful.
• I accept that sometimes you are self-centered.

“Accepting people does not itself mean agreeing with them, approving of them, waiving your own rights, or downplaying their impact upon you,” Dr. Hanson says. “You can still take appropriate actions to protect or support yourself or others. Or you can simply let people be. Either way, you accept the reality of the other person. You may not like it, you may not prefer it, you may feel sad or angry about it, but at a deeper level, you are at peace with it. That alone is a blessing. And sometimes, your shift to acceptance can help things get better.”

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Friends

Sometimes our differences with our friends are too great to overcome through practicing acceptance, so instead we need to find a way to resolve the conflict. Nobody likes conflict, but relationship researchers say every conflict presents an opportunity to improve a relationship. The key is to learn to fight constructively in a way that leaves you feeling better about your friends.

Much of what we know about conflict resolution in relationships comes from studies of married couples, but the basic conflict resolution strategies are the same whether you are talking about close relationships, friendships or workplace conflicts. 

The marriage researcher John Gottman found that the most important part of any personal disagreement are those first few minutes when the fight is just getting started. Here’s some general advice from the research about how to resolve conflict with a friend or lover.

Identify the complaint, not the criticism. Don’t start the conversation by criticizing your friend. Focus on what made you unhappy, and be specific about your complaint. “I was upset that we didn't get to spend time together at the party,” is a much better conversation starter than, “You’re never around when I need you.”

Avoid “you” phrases. Phrases like “You always” and “You never” are almost always followed by criticism and blame. 

Think about pronouns. Sentences that start with “I” or “We” help you identify problems and solutions, rather than putting blame on someone else.

Be aware of body language. No eye-rolling, which is a sign of contempt. Look at your friend when you speak. No folded arms or crossed legs, to show you are open to their feelings and input. Sit or stand at the same level as your partner — one person should not be looking down or looking up during an argument.

Learn to de-escalate: When the argument starts getting heated, take it upon yourself to calm things down. Here are some phrases that are always useful in de-escalation: 

• “What if we…”
• “I know this is hard…”
• “I hear what you’re saying…”
• “What do you think?”

Dr. Gottman reminds us that fighting with people who are important to you is not a bad thing. After all his years of studying conflict, Dr. Gottman has said he’s a strong believer in the power of argument to help people improve their relationships. In fact, airing our differences gives our relationship “real staying power,” he says. You just need to make sure you get the beginning right so the discussion can be constructive instead of damaging.